To Feel

I can't hide my emotions. What you see is what you get. And when I try to cover it up, it never works out. It's usually a pathetic attempt at trying to look happy, when sadness or frustration is what actually rages through. It's amazing that we feel.

I recently watched Equilibrium, with Christian Bale as its protagonist. The movie is set in the future in a quasi-dystopiate city where humans take daily intervals of a drug that brings the extremeness of their emotions to neutral. No one is allowed to feel. The leader "Father" is contstantly present in the lives of all the denizens explaining that this is the sacrafice that has to be made for peace, that it rids war and hate and violence. We are now living in the solution, he claims. A non-feeling world. And those who do feel, "sense-offenders," are sent to the Hall of Justice for "processing." Our feelings and emotions and how we respond to and experience the world and life are obviously really powerful stuff...some times uncontollable, we feel something so strongly.

In the gospel of Matthew, chapter 26, Jesus reveals to his closest friends what he is feeling, "'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.'" This is one of those moments that is really mind-blowing. Matthew is giving us real insite into Jesus's humanity and what his divinity is like. He feels. It is the eve of his crucifixion. Matthew moments before revealed to us that "he began to be sorrowful and troubled," and Jesus turns to God and his friends. He is knowingly about to experience a horrendous death and he lets his friends and God know what he is feeling truthfully and honestly.

Now, he goes off to pray three times and I imagine that Jesus's sorrow is having a physical effect on him. He's probably sweating and even experiencing pain and maybe even crying, probably the lowest moment of Jesus's life up until this point. But then after each prayer he returns to his friends who he's asked to keep watch with him. They are asleep. Can you imagine being in the absolute worst condition of your life and the people you are closest with are taking a little nap? I wonder what Jesus was feeling then? Is this the beginning of a series of betrayals? His disciples not being there for him, Judas's betrayal, Peter's denial, and the disciples deserting and fleeing him? Could you call all of these a betrayal of sorts? And it begins with his closest friends. What was Jesus feeling then?

It seems, despite the abondonment, Jesus is still able to do his Father's will. God has not abondoned him. And Jesus, with Matthew just revealing to us, his readers, something extremely human about Jesus, we then see this uncalcuable faith of doing his Father's will and going through with the horrific plan God has for his son. I wonder what God was feeling at this point...was he overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death as well?

In the midst of Jesus being overwhelmed he clearly sees what lays ahead of him. This clarity grows his imagination and the reality of the terrifying inevitable, that he must be punished, that he must not be chosen and a criminal released instead, that he must be flogged, that he must be mocked and beaten, that he must be spat upon, that he must be burdened with a cross, that he must have his arms and feet nailed with every feeling receptor feeling the nails driven in through him into the wood, that he must hang there... he sees what lies ahead and he has an emotional response. Such heavy emotions that he invites his closest friends into the experience to comfort him. Such overwhelming emothions that he desperatley turns to God asking if there is at all possible another way out. He could have said no.

Jesus feels and so do we. Let us stay focused on the work God has for us no matter what we are feeling.